Can’t seem to find my feet this week, although it was long anticipated for having 4 long days with a totally quiet house. 😉 Serves me right for making plans. Mind you, nothing prevents me from carrying them out, besides myself!
I started with 2 headachy days, then I noticed something was wrong with one of the kittens. At 6 in the morning just as the car was about to leave the premises. It happens a lot around here, has for years, I must have the sickest pets on the planet. And I worry every minute of the day(s) until it’s over, big issue or small, feeling a hurt deep inside. There must be some lesson in this for me, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. Except to stop worrying, but all my rational thoughts fail to make a lasting impression so far. So that’s one thread of distraction, pulling a whole wad of strings with it. In fact I got so wound up with all the hasty new arrangements, crashing traffic rules to get to the train unexpectedly etc. I could not face the act of shopping for my 4 day isolation, having the car and all. Well, there’s coffee…
It’s a cold week, so I have to pile on clothes. Another distraction for my already scattered mind. Getting covered in cat hair from all the healthy ones suddenly lining up to sleep on me whenever I think of standing up to practise varnishing a picture (try doing that covered in hair!) Change sweater, repeat. Don’t indulge them I’m told. But if, then, why do I even have pets? (I do know why they want me, I’m the warmest dry spot in the house after a romp in the rain)
When I worry I also begin to doubt everything. Why I do any of the things I do, how I pretend to imagine there is even a path and a purpose to be revealed. I still want to do them, but I question my motivation, my skills (always), and most of all the importance. It makes no difference in the world if I make pictures all day or just eat cake. Tomorrow I could win the lottery or die and anything in between. And some days I find that highly exciting and motivating, when I worry I’m certain that what WILL happen tomorrow is in fact absolutely nothing. You know, the old “all is vanity and chasing the wind” theme. (of course, most days nothing really does happen, at least on its own accord or any differently than the day before)
Sigh. Last week I began writing a very enthusiastic blog post about my progress in keeping up the creative work every day, eliminating excess activities to give me focus, succesfully ignoring noise and distraction, having talked down some of my fears and self criticism. Ha. Can you spell H U B R I S ? Well, at least I’m getting instant feedback on some issues. 😄 No need to even go public with it first! But now I’m telling you anyway to make the humiliation complete, like.
How do you like them apple blossoms?