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Not that I’m planning or hoping to, but these many weeks of disability lately has made me question, as usual, whether I’m ever going to utilize my garden, my studio, or even survive for another 30 years. Chronic pain does a number on your thinking, not just your outlook but the simple ability to form coherent thoughts and carry them out.

Just as I’d gotten used to lower back pain sometimes rendering me sitting to do computer work or spinning yarn, I now find that my upper back is so “active” that it spreads into my arms and head – and I cannot do computer work with a splitting headache, I’m afraid to use my arms, which is silly, but a side effect of pain. Every time I just reach out for my cup there is a crunch in my neck and I don’t know why it does this, so it worries me. And yet, I still get excited seeing creations like this:

I struggle with understanding the reasons and mechanisms so I can act and change my ways, all the while feeling peevish and helpless, as well as becoming inspired to write lists of things to be done in the garden and the rest of the property. I threaten to give up completely, longing for the days when I was only fatigued, intertwined with dreaming big dreams as usual.

All in all, I’m uncertain how much you’ll be seeing me, as I’m finding it as complicated as ever to accept the role of a useless, difficult person. I’m hoping of course that all this will swing back in the other direction, forgotten by next week, but I dare not believe it at the same time. I’m just no good with things which cannot be fixed, I’m also terrible at ignoring it and just soldier on.

Turns out, according to the book mentioned above, that prolonged pain teaches the brain and body to become more adept at feeling it, adapting more and more nerve cells to send pain signals, to focus on it. How the hey do you untrain something like that!!? It seems like a pretty useless function, one that I would be inclined to just want to shove all the way into the deepest corner, give me a pill and let me get on with life. Surely, if I felt pain free every day for a year or two the brain would unlearn this response, don’t you think? Yes, I have loads to time on my hands to speculate such conundrums while nausea etc. keeps me away from all the fun stuff.

Anyway, I know it’s not really something anybody wants to hear or talk about, but frankly I don’t really know how to connect anymore. I just wanted to let you know, those of you who care, why I may fall off the radar at some point. I know I’d wonder if it happened to one of you out there in cyber community.

To get back on track: If you could create a house JUST for you, without any consideration to norms and expectations or anybody’s differing taste, what would it look like? Entertain me pls. 😀